Getting her number, making plans, but for some reason they never end up happening? If so, you’re getting flaked on. If this is happening on a regular basis, it means you’re getting flaked on a lot. Girls are flaky, and getting flaked on isn’t out of the ordinary. However, it should be a relatively rare occurrence, not the norm. If your normal is getting flaked on, then you are doing a few things wrong. But don’t worry. We’re going to show you how to not get flaked on ever again (or at least, not most of the time).
Flaking Starts Early
The biggest mistake most guys make that leads to their ridiculously high flake rate is failing to prevent flaking early on. Most flakes happen not because you didn’t ask her out properly, or because you proposed a bad date idea, or because she’s just rude. They happen much earlier than that. Most flakes actually happen in between the time you meet and the time you get her contact info. That’s right–she has already decided to flake on you before you even asked her out!
Here’s what’s happening:
Women are generally nice, and they almost always hate awkward situations–heck, humans hate awkward situations. For these reasons, it’s pretty rare for a woman that you’ve been interacting with to refuse to give you her contact information if you ask. Of course, if you just randomly go up to a girl and ask for her number, it probably won’t work, but many women will give out their number after not much more than that. However, just because she gave you her contact info (number, snap, Instagram,whatever) does not mean she is interesting.
She could have given you her contact for a variety of reasons:
- To Get Rid of You — Very common
- For her ego — “I still got it”
- For attention — Mostly true for Snap/IG and other social exchanges
- She’s maybe a little curious — She might be “on the fence”
- She’s interested — What you want
Of these reasons, only the latter two are relevant. The other three are a distraction. Smoke and Mirrors. A false indicator of interest that is likely the source of your flakes. She isn’t flaking because she is a flake–she’s flaking because, she was never curious or interested when she gave you her contact info.
Start Flake Prevention Early
Since most flakes begin early–they are best prevented early. And the way to do that is simple–focus on making her interested–building attraction, comfort, and rapport (similar to what we recommend on First Dates). We’ll delve into this in greater detail, but instead of focusing on getting her contact info, focus on making her into you.
Contact info should be a natural exchange: because you’re leaving the venue, because you made plans to meet up later that night at the next spot, or because she asked you for your contact info.
It should not be forced. It should not be awkward, and it should almost never be very quickly after meeting. Focus on building rapport, attraction, and comfort. The contact info will flow naturally if you focus on those three things, and not only that, the number you get will be very unlikely to lead to a flake.
Number over Social Media
Another way to reduce flakes is to focus on numbers over social media contact. While getting social media contact information is much easier, and for the younger ones out there, very commonly used for communication, they are still less personal than her actual phone number.
However, the bigger benefit of getting a phone number is that it’s less likely she gave it to you for attention or for an ego boost. It’s still definitely possible, but the odds are reduced. Getting a real number helps reduce flake rate because again, you started reducing the chances she flakes early on, by pre-qualifying.
The bottom line is this: if you get her number because you attracted her, built some comfort, and built some rapport–the odds of a flake is already going to be dramatically reduced than if you got her Instagram after a 4 minute conversation. Furthermore, if you attract her, getting her number will also be much easier!
Flaking and Internet Dating Apps
When it comes to dating apps, the situation is a bit trickier than the “real life” scenarios we described above. Trying to build attraction over messaging before ever meeting is usually not the best strategy; but then the only option is to get her number quickly. But then isn’t that going to lead to a lot of flakes?
The answer is that it might–but you still have to go for the number early on when using the apps. And it won’t necessarily lead to higher flake rates. The reason is most women are on the apps to date. Because of this, there is way less reason to beat around the bush. If she swiped, she’s at least curious and possibly already attracted. Sure, some girls are online for an ego boost, but many of these girls won’t give out their number that easily. Girls who are serious usually want you to ask them out quickly–they want to meet you, that’s why they swiped and chatted with you.
So, the way you reduce flaking on dating apps actually does come down to how you plan your dates. Here’s how you do it:
- Establish you want to meet up: A simple “Why don’t we grab a drink sometime?” will do.
- Ask for her number: If she responds affirmatively to (1), your response: Something along the lines of: “Great, leave me your number and we’ll figure something out”
- Propose a concrete plan: When she leaves you her number: Text a full complete plan. For example, “Hey it’s ManOnPoint from Bumble, How’s ABC Bar at 8PM on Wednesday?” Don’t just say Hi, propose concrete plans, then and there.
- Adjust as necessary: Your plan might not fit her schedule–adjust as necessary, but try to always keep things pretty close to the current day (ideally meet up with two-three days)
- Confirm the day of: Also if you had no choice but to propose a date for more than three days in advance, reach out two days before the date with some message and confirm with a “btw, still on for” or end the (short) exchange with: “Gotta run but I’ll see you Wednesday”
Following this path will greatly reduce your flake rate. Similarly to the last section, you also pre-qualified: you told her you want to meet up before getting her number. She responded in the affirmative. Secondly, you made concrete plans–you didn’t give her some vague message that gives her an out, now if she agrees, it’s not just “agreeing to meet”, it’s agreeing to very specific, set plans. You also made the plans for the very near future–less likelihood something will come up. All of this combines into less likelihood of flaking.
Late Stage Flake Prevention
From here we segue into the final section of this article–late stage flake prevention. In essence, the internet situation is the blueprint for late stage flake prevention. And the steps are essentially:
- Propose concrete plans — This is the biggest, easiest thing you can do to prevent flaking in the late stage. Proposing plans like: “How about drinks this weekend?” Is the easiest way to get a flake. “How about we grab at a drink at ABC Bar, Friday at 8?”, much much better.
- Confirm the day of — Additionally, as we mentioned above, try not to leave more than two days of silence between the last interaction and the date. Reinforce it. The more she confirms, the worse she will feel if she has to bail. Also, If she’s going to flake, this gives her options to do it earlier on where it’s less of a problem for you. Be careful not to overdo it though, remind her of plans at most two times in one week, and ideally just once before the day of confirmation.
Lastly, make sure your plans make sense. Read our First Date 101 guide for some ideas on what a first date should be like. You will have a higher flake rate if you are proposing “garbage” plans or trying to push it too far too early (like inviting her over to your place after a 5 minute tinder chat).
No Flake Prevention is Fool-Proof
No flake prevention techniques are foolproof: At the end of the day, some flakes will happen. However, you can dramatically reduce your flake rate if you focus on attraction instead of number hunting, and if you make logistically sound, concrete plans and confirm them.