It’s no secret that neediness is a killer in dating and relationships. Needy behavior is one of the most unattractive traits you can exhibit when pursuing a romantic relationship. You may think that texting a lot, seeking attention, asking for explanations when or if plans fall through and the like isn’t that big a deal, or maybe even that it’s a positive as it shows interest. It is not.
Besides being annoying, needy behavior demonstrates low self esteem, lack of confidence, insecurity, and sometimes creepiness. There’s also an unfortunate projection (probably true) that needy men are more likely to be stalkers or generally make their romantic interest uncomfortable.
One of the best things you can do to increase your success with women is to not be needy. But how?
The ideal situation is to not be needy intrinsically. This means having an abundance mentality–knowing that there are always other women out there. This means recognizing your value and letting your worth do the talking, not incessant nagging–women will want to be with you because of your worth and the fact you make their lives better–you won’t need to be needy because there will be little reason to be that way.
Of course, this isn’t an easy process. It takes months if not years of working on yourself, and of achieving enough success with quality women to know that neediness is never going to help your odds and only going to hurt them. Not only that, even for the most confident men, a woman comes along that makes them insecure and want to naturally resort to needy behavior.
So, simply becoming intrinsically non-needy isn’t the perfect solution either. And furthermore, what are you to do in meanwhile? Fortunately, overcoming needy behavior can be done without completely transforming your outlook and personality. It can be done without having to already be successful with women. It takes patience and discipline, but what you need to do is actually very easy.
Steps to crush neediness and appear non-needy
Destroying neediness is as simple as avoiding actions that are considered needy and taking a few actions that are considered non-needy. Most likely, you already know what many of these actions are. But we’ll go through a few of them here:
Contact for Logistics
Very early on in a relationship, in the courtship phase, for example, pre-first date or after a first date, contact should be kept to a minimum and be almost purely for logistical reasons. In other words, you want to contact to set up a date, not to shoot the sh*t, not to send some funny meme, not to “be on her mind”. You want to focus on logistics, and logistics alone. Of course, you can use some form of an opener to segue into date planning, but it should be just that, to segue. You should not be sending cute puppy pictures “just because”.
Imbalanced Contact Initiation
If you find that you are initiating most interactions–you are likely contacting her too much and coming off as needy. In the beginning, you may contact her more than she does you, because you need to setup dates and meetups. However, once you’re past the initial date or two, a good rule of thumb is 1:1 you initiate:she initiates. If you initiated a conversation, wait for her to initiate the next time. We typically like to operate even less than 1:1, at more of a 1:2 ratio or so.
What this means, that many men don’t realize and might be accidentally exhibiting needy behavior, is that you need your initiations to count. Make sure when you initiate you are making plans as well. Otherwise, you have more chance to break the “1:1 rule”. As relationships progress, you can loosen up on most rules and go with the flow; however, we still recommend keeping it in the back of your mind.
Asking for Explanations
A huge source of needy behavior, and a major turn off for women is asking for explanations, especially when she has to change or cancel plans. This is one of the most common sources of needy behavior that men don’t consider. Do not ask for explanations. If she has to cancel, fine, no problem.
This is good:
“Hey sorry, ManOnPoint, I’ve gotta reschedule tonight.”
“No problem, we’ll do it another time”
This is bad:
“Hey sorry, ManOnPoint, I’ve gotta reschedule tonight.”
” 🙁 What happened? Is everything ok?”
Yes, that’s right, we deliberately chose an example that seems like it isn’t particularly needy. There could be many reasons she had to cancel–some innocuous, like she isn’t feeling well, or she got jammed with a work deadline last minute, or a friend is in need. Others, well, she probably doesn’t want to share, like, she is going on another date she’d rather go on, or she just isn’t in the mood.
The result is that, in some scenarios, she is put in the uncomfortable position of having to lie, which most people don’t like doing. Furthermore, no one wants to feel uncomfortable. So don’t make her feel uncomfortable. Especially because there is no upside in doing so–it’s highly unlikely that you will convince her to meet you once she told you she has to reschedule. All you’d be doing is making her potentially feel uncomfortable for no reason, and demonstrating needy behavior–now she’s thinking, “oh god, anytime I have to change plans is he going to start asking questions?”
Cancelled plans aren’t the only source of “asking for explanations” that can cause issues. Asking “how was your weekend?” or “what were you up to last night?” aren’t necessarily bad things. Following it up with more questions if you get a vague answer is. She’s giving you a vague answer for a reason. If it’s something she wanted to talk about, she would. Trying to fish for information about her night activities demonstrates neediness, and it’s also a potential sign you might be a jealous type.
If you don’t want to appear needy. Stop liking and commenting on every social media post. This is by far one of the easiest things to avoid. Until you’re dating, and I mean dating, don’t like every post the second it’s posted, do not tag her in anything, and do not comment on any posts. Avoid watching her stories the second they post. This is so freaking easy. If it’s hard for you to control your social media liking habits–we’d recommend simply not liking any of her posts, at all.
Err on the side of not liking is vastly superior to liking too often. If anything, not engaging her social media might actually pique her interest and get her wondering about what you’ve got going on–in a good way. Liking too much–she’s thinking “oh god is this guy gonna be a stalker”.
Naturally, there are obvious exceptions–if she tags you of engages you directly, of course, respond. But do not actively pursue social media interaction. It reeks of neediness.
Being her White Knight
It’s always nice to have someone helpful in your life–and women want that too. However, being too helpful, too early, is a sign of neediness. Helping your girlfriend through challenging times is not only acceptable, it’s expected. Spending four hours on the phone trying to fix a girls computer before you’ve even met is needy behavior. If you find that you’re always trying to come up with solutions to her problems–after one or two dates, or before you’ve even met up, she may be very appreciative at the time, but she will quickly recognize the neediness in that behavior.
This isn’t to say not being helpful is a virtue, or that you should just say “no” when someone asks you for help. But, you should keep your response measured and your time commitment to these causes measured relative to the level of commitment you’ve gotten from her.
Going back to the computer analogy: if she asks about a problem and you see a potential solution right away, (for example press Ctrl+F5 in your browser), totally text her back: “Try Ctrl+F5 in your browser”. However, if it’s a problem you might have to spend an hour diagnosing, just respond with something along the lines of: “Strange, no idea unfortunately”.
Patience and Discipline
True non-neediness comes from within–it comes from having self-confidence and high value, and knowing it. However, until that point, you can avoid appearing needy by taking the concrete steps we described above. There’s a good chance you probably already knew these steps. Now is the time to be patient and disciplined and actually take the steps suggested.