Most men starting out in their dating “careers” face a fundamental initial challenge: they are afraid to approach women.
Naturally, if one never approaches a woman, it’s going to be very unlikely that person has much success with women. While there are exceptions–typically, we men have to initiate contact, and that means approaching.
Common “pick up” and “seduction” wisdom tells us to approach, well, pretty much everyone, everywhere, at anytime. The idea being “fear of rejection” (the main reason men do not approach) is most easily faced and conquered head-on, through repetition and practice.
This logic is not wrong–however, there are risks to the approach, approach, approach mentality. we hinted at this problem in our article about nothing to lose being a dating myth, but there’s another angle here we haven’t really addressed–we call it the pointless approach.
What is the pointless approach?
The pointless approach, as the name suggests, is an approach that is completely pointless. It’s an approach that has zero percent chance of leading to a date, a girlfriend, a friend, or even an acquaintance.
An example of a pointless approach includes approaching a girl on a date or with her husband — yes, people actually do this! While there might be a chance if the date is clearly going horribly, this is typically, a completely pointless (not to mention disrespectful) approach.
Another example might be approaching a girl on her phone on the go in the middle of the street. Even if you had a chance with such an approach, you likely ruined it by being a rude annoying guy interrupting her phone call!
Lastly, approaching clearly uninterested girls (not the kind where you need to calibrate, the kind that clearly show they are not interested) is yet another pointless approach. She isn’t going to hang out with you ever again, even if she gives you her number to make you go away.
Why the pointless approach is bad for you
There are countless more examples of pointless approaches, but by now you get the picture. A pointless approach has virtually no chance of being successful. However, many experts will extol the virtues of these approaches anyway. Approach, approach, approach, they will say. Worst case, you get some practice out of it.
While there is some merit to this point–it’s easy to get in your head and come up with excuses why you shouldn’t approach–so if you just think approach and not pay any attention to much else, there’s less likelihood you will stifle your development by coming up with excuses.
However, this logic only goes so far. If you’re sure to fail, as we mentioned in our nothing to lose article, there is a cost. You do have something to lose–emotional capital. While each of our thresholds is different, there is only so much failure and rejection we can tolerate before it starts to impact our confidence and self-esteem. Now there wouldn’t be much value in approaches if they didn’t result in success and hurt our confidence and self-esteem, would there?
That’s the crux of the issue with “Approach, approach, approach”. While rejection is unavoidable, some rejections are avoidable–avoiding those rejections with little potential upside will help ensure confidence levels are as high as they can be for the approaches that do have potential, the approaches that do matter.
We’re not saying don’t approach–all we’re saying is exercises some judgement–don’t pointlessly approach.